I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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