i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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