You just made me feel so damn special
My first STD was from a foam party
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize