I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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