Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Randomize
