Kareoke will never be a sober sport
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
