Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
