I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
