you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
