I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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