Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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