I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Randomize
