you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
