Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
