i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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