Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
