I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
