I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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