Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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