My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
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