i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Randomize
