So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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