My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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