im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Randomize
