it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize