I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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