i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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