This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
