I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize