hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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