I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
