i don't like sucking hair
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
