the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
