I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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