When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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