Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Randomize
