I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Sponge bath it is.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
