Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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