Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
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