The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize