i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
