he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
