I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
