Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
