just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I checked into jail on foursquare
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize