Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
