Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
