Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Randomize
