If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
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