Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
