Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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