After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
You pole danced in your parka.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
