Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
