We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
