it's not cheating when I paid for it
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
