Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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