I think my vagina is haunted
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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