Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
