She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
