He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
