There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
