3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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