I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Dicks are not precious.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
